British politeness?

Your website makes me howl. LOL! I’m a Canadian, engaged to an Englishman, and I’ve been to both England (in May/June 2008) and Greece (in May 2001). Here’s a summary of how each country made me feel (this might be a little long – my England rants often are):

Greece: “OMG I love the food, it’s awesome! OMG, I love the scenery, it’s awesome! OMG, I love the Plaka, it’s amazing, look at all the sea sponges! Oh, the dogs on the street are so friendly and sweet, I’m going to pet them ALL! Oh I love the Parthenon and the history and the ancient ruins here, it’s so beautiful! OMG, McDonald’s has different flavoured burgers here, that’s so cool!! Wow, there are SO many cigarette butts at the bus stops, but I don’t care, the people are gorgeous and friendly, even though they seem to yell a lot! I love the Greek islands, they’re so beautiful, I love how they paint their houses, it must be like living in a painting! Oh look at how artistic the people are here, it’s so nice! I don’t care if I just got ripped off at that store, that guy was so nice and friendly and it’s still cheaper than Canada, so yay! I totally love this place and can’t wait to come back someday!”

England, before going: “Oh I just love British comedies, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Austin Powers, John Lennon, J.R.R.Tolkien, Pride and Prejudice – and almost every expat British person is sweet and has a cool accent, is hilarious and is so polite, plus my English fiance is such a sweet man, I can’t wait to go!”

England, during my trip: “Oh WOW, Heathrow Airport is so confusing, but I don’t care, I’m in England, this is gonna be awesome! WOW, that taxi looks so quaint and cool, like it’s right out of the 1920s – hey, why is he yelling at me for wanting to get in the front passenger seat, I just wanted to sit on the opposite side of the car to see what it’s like. Sorry, mister, I’m new here – ha ha ha! Oh, he’s not laughing – or talking to me at all. Awkward. Holy SHIT everything is so expensive, and the servers at the restaurant are kind of snarky, but that Cornish Pasty and that sticky toffee pudding was epic, so…no sir, I’m NOT an American, I’m Canadian. Yeah, I get how the accents are similar, but you know, you could laugh at my attempt at levity instead of frowning at me, people back home think I’m quite funny you know. Time to go to my five star hotel! What the – what the fuck is this?! Two single beds fill up the entire room, it’s TINY, and the toilet is, like, RIGHT next to the shower, what the hell? Where’s the coffee maker? What’s this tea kettle doing here?! I’m paying $400 CDN a night for this room, it’s smaller than the crawlspace in my friend’s attic! Okay, okay, keep an open mind, let’s go catch a bus and go to that Piccadily Circus place. Hey man, don’t shove past me to get on the bus, I was here first! Why is the bus driver so angry at me and bitter about life, I’m still getting to know the currency! Wow, nobody is talking on this bus – this is a lot different that Canada, everyone talks to everyone and jokes around on public transit. Oh well, it’s good to experience different cultures, but the silence is kind of creeping me out. Ok, time to get off the bus-HEY! What’s with all the shoving, people?! I think I’ll buy a souvenir – holy SHIT, 15 pounds for a plastic phone booth keychain?! Time for the London Eye, the view should be- oh WOW, there are a LOT of people crammed in here. Why do people keep staring at me like I’ve just killed a kitten whenever I talk?! Oh well, time to go up north where my fiance’s family lives, it should be nicer once we’re around family in a less populated area, and I can’t wait to get on the train! Wow, I think I’m the only one talking on this train car, and my fiance looks kind of amused – hey wait, why is everyone staring at me with a hint of hostility?! It’s a 2.5 hour train ride, what am I supposed to do, stare out the window in placid silence with my hands folded on my lap?! Ok, here we are – nice to meet you, almost-Brother-in-Law! Oh hey, did he just insult me but pass it off as a joke? Hey, there it is again – people look at your shoes first instead of your face when they meet you, what’s up with that?! Hey, nice house, it’s so beautiful – but it sure is chilly in here. Do – do they have heat in houses in England? WOW they drink a lot here – I guess that’s how they stay warm. Did his wife just insult Canada again and compare it to the US? Why do they keep correcting me on how I say things?! At least they laughed at my story about my Aunt Fanny, but I wasn’t trying to be funny – somehow I feel they were laughing at me, not with me. What is WRONG with these people?! Why are the employees in every store so fucking rude – I mean, you work in retail asshole, you’re not exactly Princess Di. No, no, I’m NOT a fucking American, so you can stop being a bitch to me now – no, it’s NOT true that Canadians don’t have a better education system than you, I mean, you know nothing about the world outside of England and Europe. Wow, there sure are a LOT of video cameras everywhere. Why did that waitress just yell at me about ordering my food, I just sat down and have had less than 30 seconds to read this four page menu. Wow, mushy peas – no wonder these people hate life. Time to go to a nice classical music concert, but first I have to go to the bathroom. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’m not allowed in?! It JUST STARTED, I’ll be quiet! Screw it, I’m going to go drink my face off at a pub, people are so much nicer when they’re drunk. Oh hey there friendly drunk person!! Forgive my eyes filling up with tears, you’re the first person who has said a kind word to me in a week. No, no, I’m not an American, I’m from a lesser known country called Canada – it’s tiny, so I can see why no one has heard of it. Oh, nice explanation on the difference between the northern and southern English accents, no, I can’t tell the difference yet, it’s my first time here and my ear isn’t yet attuned to the different dialects. Hey – why are you getting so mad at me? Hey now, settle down- did you just call me an “Arrogant American?!” What the hell did I say, I meant no offence – why are you pointing your finger in my face? Oh god, is this guy going to hit me because I can’t tell the difference between a northern and southern accent? He thought I was an American, so it’s not like he’s The Accent Expert. I’m out of here. Why is this hotel employee from Scotland pretending not to understand me?! Oh my GOD, he won’t even TALK to me even though I’m trying to be friendly to him, he just looks at my fiance and says, “WUT she say?” I thought Scottish people were nice!!! What’s up with this shower, why do I have to pull a string, turn a bunch of dials and push a button? What’s up with these two taps, this doesn’t even make any sense, like the phone booths. Why is everyone and everything so difficult and unfriendly?! I FUCKING HATE THIS PLACE!! NO, I am NOT a fucking American! Why are you getting mad at me for saying you’re British, you live in Great Britain, asshole!! STOP LOOKING AT MY SHOES, MY FACE IS RIGHT HERE!! Oh look, someone else just insulted me at random because I’m wearing a colourful shirt – sorry I’m not wearing one of the thousands of shades of grey that the clothing seems to carry here. Oh look, someone just referred to my country as “one of the colonies,” that’s great, I just love British “humour.” I am SO done being nice to people. Yeah bitch, I don’t CARE if it’s pronounced “t’yoob” and not “tooob,” I’m from Canada and that’s how we say “Tube,” so how about you go visit the dentist before that t’yooth decay spreads to your brain, ok??? Time to go home- this vacation couldn’t end soon enough. I am NEVER coming back to this nest of vipers for the rest of my life – I’m not even going to buy any souvenirs at the airport, I’ll only get treated like crap anyway. Thanks for nothing, England – why anyone sets foot on British soil and wants to live in this place is BEYOND me!! The only nice English people are the ones who leave!!”

England, two years later: Oh wait sweetie, you want to go BACK to England? Oh no, no NO, I can’t do it, I CAN’T do it again sweetie – okay, this ONE time I’ll go back. Oh look, a volcano just blew its top in Iceland and closed British airspace. What? We can’t go now? Oh. OH – that’s…thats just terrible. I absolutely LOVE Iceland, we should go there someday!”

I’m shocked – I totally thought you were going to moderate that crazy little rant back to the hell it came from, it’s so long and vitriolic. LOL! The best part is that I actually held back and left a lot of stuff out. 😀 Just so it’s clear, I didn’t say ANY of the snarky things I said in my post – most of that was my internal dialogue. Like a good Canadian, I just repressed the rage, smiled through the pain and cried into the pillow. LOL! 🙂 You’re right, I AM a writer, just not a paid one yet (like most writers). 😀

I took cultural anthropology in university as well, and whenever I’m in another country I seem to come away with insights into their culture and interesting insights about my own culture. For example, I realized when I was on a tour in Israel that Canadians are STUPIDLY obsessed with being (or appearing) polite, friendly and non-confrontational, to the point where it can be life-threatening (or you end up paying more for something than you should because you don’t want to be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings). LOL! I found myself in the market being yelled at by vendors trying to get me into their shops, and each time I would say nicely, “No thank you, but have a nice day!” while everyone who lived there just tuned them out and ignored them. LOL!

I saw this in myself in England as well when I found myself going out of my way to be nice to people who really didn’t deserve it. By the end of my trip, I HATED myself for not standing up for myself and letting people walk all over me and say horrible and rude things to me.

However, you’re right, our culture shapes us all the way down to our very molecules – I wish I could be less Canadian and have the balls to be rude BACK to rude people, but something always stops me. Culture is like a harness holding back a horse who wants to run. I met a girl once who summed up Canadians quite hilariously. She was on a work Visa in Canada, and she HATED it here – she was as bitter about Canada as I am about England. She was more than ready to go home, because she was at the point where she hated EVERYONE – and I totally got that, because that’s how I felt leaving England. LOL!

It mystified me, because I’d never met anyone who hated Canada before. I thought NZ and Canada were similar in culture, so I finally asked her what happened, and she said, “Oh you know, everyone acts so nicey-nice to your face, but then trash you behind your back to anyone who will listen and then invite you over to their house for a barbecue! Fucking Canadians, they never say what they mean or feel, so you never know who your friends are! You ask them to do something and they make excuse after bloody excuse instead of saying ‘No!’ Fuck, they never say what they mean, they just tell everyone what they want to hear and then vent to someone else because they didn’t have the balls to disagree with you! At least you know where you stand with a New Zealander. Fuck this country!!” I sat there and listened with empathy, but inside I was laughing, because it’s all true. LOL! It’s not about wanting to be friendly as much as it is about being terrified of appearing unfriendly. LOL!

A friend of mine from El Salvador said this about Canada: “You never say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ – you talk AROUND something if you don’t want to do it and have to explain everything.”

Then there was an American acquaintance: “What the hell is everyone doing at that park? Sitting? Why? Don’t these people have somewhere to go? I don’t care if it’s a nice day, that’s what cars are for! Look at these people, walking around, or just sitting there on park benches, soaking up the sun! You Canadians are a bunch of loiterers who never shut the fuck up! I can’t even go into a grocery store to get cigarettes without someone going ON and ON and ON about the weather, or asking me how I am. I just want my cigarettes lady, leave me the fuck alone!”

Every time I hear an outside perspective about Canada, it makes me laugh, because it’s kind of a caricature of what reality is. LOL! I wish I could be a rude bitch sometimes, or forthright, or to feel the freedom to say something I believe in and not worry if it will offend people – but even behind the anonymity of the internet, I still hold back. LOL! My partner finds my aversion to England amusing as well and tries to explain away the things I hated about it – the same way I tried to do that with the girl from New Zealand. LOL! Culture is a weird, weird thing. Sometimes I feel imprisoned by my culture – other times, I want to kiss the ground when I arrive back in Canada, because I’m so relieved to be home.

Culture is like a drug you know is bad for you because it keeps you inside a limited reality, but it’s comforting and familiar and there are unspoken social rules where you know what to expect from people, and we humans do love our predictability because it makes us feel safe and secure. Visiting another country can be refreshing or a nightmare, depending on how compatible that culture is with yours.

I find I love the cultures that are more socially free than my own (ie: art, self-expression) and hate cultures that have less social freedoms and are more repressive (ie: “You can’t say/do/feel/wear that!”). That’s why I know I’ll likely never visit Russia – I read that people who smile too much are seen as insincere and viewed with mistrust and suspicion – so sadly, Russia is no place for a Canadian. LOL!