Faggots—and there’s spotted dick for afters

Chief Inspector Japp. After staying with you for a whole week, Poirot, the least I could do is offer you a spot of lunch, wean you away from that… well, let you taste some proper English cooking.

Poirot. And the good Madam Japp, it is today that she returns?

Chief Inspector Japp : Yes, about three o’clock. [presenting a plate of his own cooking to Poirot and pointing to each item] There, now that is what I call food. That’s your mashed potato, this is your peas – mushy peas we call them – you’ll love ’em – and this, [in a French accent]

Chief Inspector Japp : the piece de resistance – faggots.

Hercule Poirot : Faggot.

Chief Inspector Japp : Faggots – and there’s spotted dick for afters.

Hercule Poirot : [looking incredulous] – Dick?

Chief Inspector Japp : Yes. It’s called that because…

[looks puzzled]

Chief Inspector Japp : .

Hercule Poirot : This is tragic Chief Inspector.

Chief Inspector Japp : No no, it’s fine.

Hercule Poirot : I can eat none of this wonderful food.

Chief Inspector Japp : What? Why?

Hercule Poirot : Because… I have an allergy of the faggot.

Chief Inspector Japp : An allergy?

Hercule Poirot : Oui. I… I do not know how you say it in English, but in Belgian it is… known as… ‘la phobie de faggot’.

Chief Inspector Japp : I’ve never heard of that.

Hercule Poirot : I’m so sorry Chief Inspector, I should have warned you.

Chief Inspector Japp : Well, this is a blessed upset I must say. Still, you can have some spotted dick…

[sarcastically]

Chief Inspector Japp : you haven’t got a ‘phobie de dick’ have you?

Hercule Poirot : [smiles and shakes his head] No.

[Hands his plate to Japp and with a pleading look]

Hercule Poirot : some cheese?

Chief Inspector Japp : I’ll have a look.

Hercule Poirot : Just some Camembert, a little Brie perhaps.

Chief Inspector Japp : [putting a cheese dish in front of Poirot] Bon. Nothing like a bit of mousetrap.

[Poirot screws up his face in disgust and looks away]